The Lament of Man and Woman (Venus)

Right now I feel at odds with myself. What does that mean, you ask?

Well, I am told that I was too inebriated to understand my own banter, my own argument. Fact is, I don't believe that for a second. I know what I was feeling as I spoke. There was a huge feeling of disappointment, but thats only something that arose at the end.

It started with a simple slip up. I simply couldn't make the right decision about where to go and that decision, I agree, was related to the amount I drank. Shortly after I had made a bad decision, I decided to ask Venus, "where are we, where should we be going?" Somehow my translation of that simple message turned into a blowout where I had blamed Venus for going the wrong way. I probably did make a statement to this affect, but I had no idea how volatile/explosively it would be taken. Even though I can't categorically say that this was the basic conclusion, I am willing to accept that as the conclusion. While that was the main point being made, I was generalized about, I was told that I was horrible, that this situation was somehow related to a bigger issue with our relationship. That she was tired of our relationship due to this reason. I must admit, I feel that this is a huge stretch, to be even more honest, stretch doesn't do justice to what it really was, just a strand of nothing prodded real.

I tried my best in my state of mind to quell this idea, to move forward or on or something of the sort. I agreed to some basic terms which stated that the whole argument had been blown out of proportion and that we would start fresh. A few minutes later Venus passed out. I knew the next toll was coming but it was at least 10 minutes away. While I had the option to wake Venus up earlier, I decided to wait till we got close before waking her up (especially since she had change from our last toll ballgame). I got close and then tried to wake her up, once she was up, she gave the money and immediately proceeded to berate me (in the exact same fashion as was done before)and before anything could be said, we sat in yet another argument. This time, she had decided that I must have really meant something negative (to be honest, I am not sure). I sat in my seat, without a word to her, dejected, I didn't know how to feel and the first thing that became apparent to me was a feeling of rejection. The feeling was crying, I let that feeling go (without a word) and within a few seconds, I had Venus judging my tears, the basis for them, to her, must be bullshit, or pity or something selfish.

The funny thing is, the basis for them was real. I had really tried to just be nice for a second, having felt bad about whatever had occurred just previously. Somehow it backfired. In any case, the argument went back to where it was previously and even until we slept, there was no deviation from what had happened before.

I tried to go to the bathroom once in my apartment but all I felt were the same tears. I tried to cry them away but that failed and I realized I just needed to keep moving, pushing the hour of sleep, hoping to be left alone, analytical of my undetermined shortcomings.

I now sit here, having finished these thoughts, I feel a little bit better having got them out. At the same time, a certain amount of doom has crept into me, but I guess thats what keeps us human.